So, I'm not complaining, but sometimes our life gets a little rough. Sometimes a little sticky. Mostly it revolves around my own guilt. Guilt about not being able to clone myself and do all the things that I do for Juliana, for Olivia. I know, it sounds stupid. I do those things for Juliana simply because she can't. And I know that Olivia is fully capable of doing all those things like dressing herself, brushing her own teeth, putting herself to bed, feed herself but to a 6 year old, it's not always clear. Sometimes she cries and says, "Mommy, why can't you get me dressed?" or "Mommy why can't you rock me to bed, Juliana is older than me! I'm littler than her, so why can't you rock me?" And of course I could if I could (a) clone myself or (b)have all the time in the world, but in our crazy busy life I don't have either of those luxuries. And yes, I know that I should teach her that fair doesn't mean the same. And that Juliana NEEDS us to do those things and she can do them herself, yada yada yada. But the truth is that it breaks my heart and I go to bed often crying about it, wondering if she is going to end up in therapy over this childhood of hers, or grow up resenting me or Juliana. In other words sometimes obsessing over it.
But this past weekend a very wise friend came to visit (thank you Penelope) and as we were talking late into the night this topic came up. I explained all of the above to her and how horrible it felt when she said those things, and you know what she said? She said "That's awesome!" And I said, "Excuse me? I just poured out my guts and you say That's awesome? What is awesome about my little girl feeling second all the time?" And her response, "That's awesome that Olivia sees her and Juliana as equals. She doesn't feel sorry for her or treat her differently. She sees her sister as the same as her and therefore wants the same treatment as her. If she felt sorry for her or looked at her like less, she would understand and say, "Yes mommy, go to Juliana, she needs you more than I do" but because she sees her as a strong little girl, just like herself, she expects the same treatment." Wow! That was mind-blowing. I never thought of it that way, but it's so true. Thank God! and Thanks Penelope for helping me see that.